16% through the training contract.The above is a screenshot of a spreadsheet I use to calculate my progress through the audit lyfe. No idea if I’m going to make it.
Currently off on study leave for 5 exams at the end of May. Which is nice. But the first week was a write off, and I spent the past 5 days trying to get my shit together in terms of essential life functions, will to live and health. Got a little time with the woman, two evenings with friends – the rest of the time I spent drinking alone, not getting out of bed, and eating chocolate and boiled cabbage. Things that are outside my control are such a mess right now. Whatever about study – at least I can control that.
But the woman is sick again with depression that’s gotten worse and worse over the last two months. I got her to go to a doctor and start medication after last year, where she was crying all night, having panic attacks and threatening herself with a knife. It helped for a while, she started a Masters and we moved 160km apart. But she never followed up with counseling, more exercise, less stress, more sleep, which meant that she was relying on medication that became less effective.We’ve never lived together, apart from evenings where she’d stay with me, or I’d sleep in a different room to her in her family home, on weekends or holidays, so being there for here is frequently at a distance.
This was compounded by the financial pressure her father has put her under – he’s loaning her €5000 for the Masters, but gives living expenses in €50 amounts when asked, meaning the woman can’t budget effectively. Sometimes money is gifted, sometimes it has to be begged for. When she gets money from her job, it goes straight back to him, and then is fed back to her drip by drip. It’s partially out of love, but it’s his means of controlling her. He still calls her every evening.
I wonder what happens when we get married. Do the calls end? Do I take over? I will emphasise the “leave and cleave” element of marriage to her and to him when I ask for his blessing on the marriage. The only way my mam got out of her house was marrying my father – looks like it will be the same story here.
Her friends who’ve never had a lasting relationship tell her I’m controlling. She says I can be dominant. If I really wanted control, I’d get a dog. Then I’d give up. I’m not in this for power over her. What’s difficult about the positions we’re in is that I know two other couples together as long as us. One is totally dominated by the woman in public. I don’t think it’s fair to judge about what works for people and brings them together in marriage when who’s to say what “works” when they share their values and know what the deal is.
If I wasn’t planning on getting married, if we had broken up after the whole China thing, if I gave in and became the homosexual I always knew I was, I wouldn’t be staying in the job I’m in. But the expectation is on me to provide, to perform, to protect. I get love and respect for what I do. If I could create, I’d get love and respect for that. If I could fight and steal, I’d get respect for that. But I audit funds for a living. Let’s keep going with that until something changes and I get my head together.
Fifth drink of the day.
If the relationship finished, I’d go to a Benedictine monastery run by a Minnesotan in the Japanese Alps about 2 hours west of Tokyo. Outside of fantasy, I often think about enjoying a retreat to there. They welcome all faiths, and also non-religious people who would like a taste of Catholic monastic life. They are working at building themselves into a bigger retreat and renewal centre, so it’d be great to support them if I ever got the chance. Maybe we could all meet there when the call to drop out and serve gets strong/kids grow up and partner dies happily in your arms, leaving you a few years to wrap things up and live in tranquility.
Know what I’m saying?