Input Output

When you don’t have much control in your life, you get obsessed with eating and shitting. Like a baby. When your life is planned for you by your firm, your focus on the inputs and outputs of your body grows – in direct proportion to how scheduled the rest of your life is.

In busy season, every day becomes about lunch, dinner and breakfast. The most important question in the morning in my office is where to go for lunch. Dudes and chicks cycle through their fad diets; I rotate the same 4 dishes with small variations. When I was trying to hit 90kg or 200lb in 2013, and made it to 86kg, I’d eat three big meals a day, topped off with ice cream, a pound of cottage cheese and plenty of milk. Once a week I’d go with my training buddies to an all-you-can eat until the manager kicked us out. We had jack shit else to do because we were poor, and had zero free time outside of work and the gym.

The outputs were this: extremely regular and incredibly large shits that happened within a 30 window every day. This was always 12 hours after dinner. If dinner was delayed an hour, the window was pushed back an hour. So much oats, rice and vegetables gave me unbroken stools that routinely exceeded 8-10″. In the same vein, adding linseed to food means your shit slides out encased in mucilage.

The most satisfying shits I did were in China on squat toilets. Given that I was squatting daily and had no mobility trouble, getting down in the hole put an afterburner on the defecation process. You could drop bombs in seconds. One time, I had the runs, but the first 6″ was solid shit, which became more liquid as the monster revealed itself. Its true form was revealed only when it shed this solid plug, and the watery shit splashed my shoes. The entire development of the turd was revealed, from the dry rectum section, to the liquid that had just been secreted from the small intestine, but was cruelly ejected before its time by my gastric distress. A tour de force of defecation.

And some people in this place don’t even wipe their ass in this place. They just shit, piss and walk away. Absolutely disgusting.


One thought on “Input Output

  1. Squat toilets, a.k.a. hoverdumps, are supposedly better for complete evacuation. Liked the poop description 10/10.

    When you take a dump on a ‘Western’ toilet, you only run a risk if the consistency is reversed (i.e. the first part is black water, followed by a solid brick). The liquid stuff spreads through the water already in the bowl, then the meteoroid that follows raises a tsunami of shitwater that splashes all over your undercarriage. Not to mention that there’s nowhere to wash up if you’re taking said crap at work or a bar. Good times.

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