Was remembering the super dark time in early 2013 last weekend with my pal. Pre-blog. Still in Big4. There was a Japanese film festival playing and they were screening the new Berserk films. We both loved the manga but were dubious about the CG animation that was going to be used. Sadly they were garbage, and had a 5 minute ballroom dancing scene with lifeless CG mannequins. This was meant to be an edgy movie about a dude killing people with a giant sword.
In the interval between the first and second film, which I was praying would be better, we went to the shop and I bought a pound of cottage cheese, 2 liters of milk and a bread roll and ate them with my hands outside the cinema. This is when I was deeply infected with the tryhard disease while recovering from the ingrown toenails and working 60 hours, wishing I would die semi-painlessly in traffic on the way to work. My gf was miserable and trying to lift weights. I was saying I wouldn’t marry her until she could squat 100kg. My friend looked on with disgust as I shoveled the Polish cottage cheese into my mouth.
Back in the cinema, the cultural attaché to the film festival said much of the budget went on a 4 second scene where the protagonist kills goons with a sword in a cool way. The film was crushingly disappointing, and it was impossible to guess which was the scene, it was all so stiff and bland. But we stayed. And then there was the dancing scene that was supposed to be the climax of the film. It was about then I started to question everything in my life that had brought me to that point, and hated myself for letting everything get this bad. I looked like a homeless person and felt like shit. Busy season was over but I was burned out. I dreaded the thought of staying in Big 4, but had no other options in finance or law. In just another 2 months, I fucked my back up and set myself for 2 years of chronic pain. Because I wouldn’t give in and try life a different way.
It was only last week I told him what a rough time it was. At least I know now to jump ship ASAP. Nothing is as good as having options in life.