Why I want to fuck Donald Trump

Donald Trump arrives at the Miss USA 2013 pageant, Sunday, June 16, 2013, in Las Vegas. (AP Photo/Jeff Bottari)

Numerous studies have been conducted upon patients in terminal paresis (GPI), placing Trump in a series of simulated auto crashes, e.g. multiple pileups, head-on collisions, motorcade attacks (fantasies of Presidential assassinations remained a continuing preoccupation, subject showing a marked polymorphic fixation on windshields and rear trunk assemblies). Powerful erotic fantasies of an anal-sadistic surrounded the image of the Presidential contender.

Subjects were required to construct the optimum auto disaster victim by placing a replica of Trump’s head on the unretouched photographs of crash fatalities.
In 82% of cases massive rear-end collisions were selected with a preference for expressed fecal matter and rectal hemorrhages. Further tests were conducted to define the optimum model-year. These indicate that a three year model lapse with child victims provide the maximum audience excitation (confirmed by manufacturers’ studies of the optimum auto disaster). It is hoped to construct a rectal modulous of Trump and the auto disaster of maximized audience arousal.

Motion picture studies of Donald Trump reveal characteristic patterns of facial tones and musculature associated with homoerotic behavior. The continuing tension of buccal sphincters and the recessive tongue role tally with earlier studies of facial rigidity (cf., Adolf Hitler, Nixon). Slow-motion cine films of campaign speeches exercised a marked erotic effect upon an audience of spastic children. Even with mature adults the verbal material was found to have a minimal effect, as demonstrated by substitution of an edited tape giving diametrically opposed opinions…

Patients were provided with assembly kit photographs of sexual partners during intercourse. In each case Trump’s face was super imposed upon the original partner. Vaginal intercourse with “Trump” proved uniformly disappointing, producing orgasm in 2% of subjects.

Axillary, buccal, navel, aural, and orbital modes produced proximal erections. The preferred mode of entry overwhelmingly proved to be the rectal. After a preliminary course in anatomy it was found that the caecum and transverse colon also provided excellent sites for excitation. In an extreme 12% of cases, the simulated anus of post-costolomy surgery generated spontaneous orgasm in 98% of penetrations. Multiple-track cine-films were constructed of “Trump” in intercourse during (a) campaign speeches, (b) rear-end auto collisions with one and three year model changes, (c) with rear exhaust assemblies…

The genitalia of the Presidential contender exercised a continuing fascination. A series of imaginary genitalia were constructed using (a) the mouth parts of Jacqueline Kennedy, (b) a Cadillac, (c) the assembly kid prepuce of President Johnson…In 89% of cases, the constructed genitalia generated a high incidence of self-induced orgasm. Tests indicate the masturbatory nature of the Presidential contender’s posture. Dolls consisting of plastic models of Trump’s alternate genitalia were found to have a disturbing effect on deprived children.

Studies were conducted on the marked fascination exercised by the Presidential contender’s hairstyle. 65% of male subjects made positive connections between the hairstyle and their own pubic hair. A series of optimum hairstyles were constructed.

Fragments of Trump’s cinetized postures were used in the construction of model psychodramas in which the Trump-figure played the role of husband, doctor, insurance salesman, marriage counselor, etc.

The failure of these roles to express any meaning reveals the nonfunctional character of Trump. Trump’s success therefore indicates society’s periodic need to re-conceptualize its political leaders. Trump thus appears as a series of posture concepts, basic equations which reformulate the roles of aggression and anality. Trump’s personality. The profound anality of the Presidential contender may be expected to dominate the United States in the coming years. By contrast the late JFK remained the prototype of the oral subject, usually conceived in pre-pubertal terms. In further studies sadistic psychopaths were given the task of devising sex fantasies involving Trump. Results confirm the probability of Presidential figures being perceived primarily in genital terms; the face of LB Johnson is clearly genital in significant appearance–the nasal prepuce, scrotal jaw, etc. Faces were seen as either circumcised (JFK, Khrushchev) or uncircumcised (LBJ, Adenauer). In assembly-kit tests Trump’s face was uniformly perceived as a penile erection. Patients were encouraged to devise the optimum sex-death of Donald Trump.

(With apologies to J.G Ballard: a lazy edit of his piece Why I want to fuck Ronald Regan)


Because physical wounds heal

Got a real nice big four accountancy story for you guys. A buddy who is still there told me of an initiative to raise morale. Each team member in an audit department gets put on a board and has to stick a smiley or sad face on their space every day of the week.

This was so management and partners can see who is unhappy on the jobs at a glance. For transparency. But middle managers or partners don’t want to be caught destroying the lives of staff,  so anyone that’s not a happy face gets a talking to.

After a week or two, nothing but happy faces on the board. Managers and partners see reports that morale has improved empirically – the board says so! While the staff die inside as they put 5 smiley faces in a row.


Got an internet pal into big 4  – he’s doing his CPA now. He’s worried after all my horror stories. At least he’s on guard for the isolation and indoctrination techniques.  I remember when I started I was nearly teetotal. By the end, I was taking valium every day, drinking a bottle of whiskey a week, jacking off in work and fighting the urge to steer into oncoming traffic… on a bicycle. He’ll be fine.

The real thing now is trying to write better. Woman has an Masters in literature and is an editor/publisher, so she is well placed to advise on writing. Might be posting up some pieces and critical reflection.

Stuff to work on:

  • Dialogue between people
  • Moving away from genre fiction as a crutch
  • Convey emotion – read “The Fault in our Stars”
  • Brevity – evoke and don’t describe every action
  • “he said” “she said” are perfectly fine to avoid confusing your reader. Plenty of opportunity in dialogue to give further detail about interactions.


He held her from behind beside the canal rail. The smell of leather and cigarettes crushing against her. The leaden sky reflected in the water.

“I’m not ready for this” she said.

The man slid his hand from her waist to her thigh, his callouses catching in her tights.

“It’s not anything serious. Just one week away. Some winter sun. The beach.” he said. She watched the currents in the water. Feeling the slow circular rub of his hands.

“Don’t worry, baby. I can pay for it. Just one week. We could do with a break.”

She dragged his hand back to her waist.

“We’ve had this conversation before. And my feelings haven’t changed. You swore you wouldn’t. You swore to me you wouldn’t. And you did. I can’t forgive that.”

The man embraced her tighter. She felt the cold of his fingers chisel under her jacket to her bare skin. The man rested his chin on her nape, leaning into her ear:

“That was in the past. Just one. And you’re still here. You still love me. And you’re the one I always wanted. I gave you my email passwords. You saw every message. There are no secrets between us now. Can you forgive me?” His hands snaked towards her breasts while he spoke.

A couple pushing a pram on the opposite side looked in their direction.

“Not in public” she said, pulling away from him. Her voice rose:

“I won’t keep your secrets anymore. I knew you were cheating on your wife when we met, but I thought you would end it and stay with me. And now I’m the fool. Waiting to play house with a grown man. Nothing good can come of this. Not for you. Not for her. Not for me.”

She turned into his grasp, breaking his hold.

“ I will no longer be part of this.”

She turned and walked up the bank bridge. Breathe, she told herself.  She breathed non-stop, like her first marathon.

She reached the top of the hill. She did not look back.


I’m doing NaNoWriMo this year. A 50k word novel, with no quality control, written between November 1st and November 30th. It focuses mostly on getting it done, so quality is not going to be important. A rough outline of the story :

Lars is a pencil pusher pyromancer, born in the Great Southern Swamp, whose people are reviled as primitive heretics. He lives in a large, polluted city that produces fuel for a neighbouring, more powerful totalitarian state called Ortega. His fantasies of escaping the life assigned to him are realised as he joins the cultural and political revival of the Great Southern Swamp. However, he faces many dangers in both the murk of the swamp and the corridors of the city.

But that is not today’s story. Today’s rough outline of a story is about Gundam pilots, and the healing power of ice skating.

Mopeility Warfare

Story opens with an ex-Zeon pilot from Side 3, named Hugh G. Celiac, about to get into a repurposed Zaku II, in the UC 0084 Winter Olympics. The event is figure skating.

As he mounts up and the final call for his turn on the ice comes up, he holds a mission disk and remembers his time in the One Year War of 0079. He was a reservist who was not expected to see combat, and had specialised in information warfare. As Minovsky particles jam sensors, comms and disrupt sensitive electronics, information warfare officers were proficient at parsing large amounts of data for good intel. This made them ideal for a Zeon project that would automate maneuver warfare through real-time computer simulations in battle. This would allow Zeon to use rookie pilots to better effect in the high performance mobile suits being deployed towards the end of the war on Earth, and lead to success in capturing the Federation’s Jaburo headquarters. A special part of the training was focused on “skating” maneuvers in Earth’s gravity.

Most of Hugh’s time was spent guarding a Helium-3 mine, and rigorously training in asteroid and debris fields. The program predicted successful vectors of attack on enemy ships, and co-ordinated small units of three mobile suits to that goal. By November, the attack on Jaburo had failed, and Hugh’s unit was ambushed en route to A Bao Qu.

Hugh is shot down, but survives with injuries. His two squadmates are killed. He is held prisoner, interned, and then repatriated to Side 3 in 0080. On his return, he works in a warehouse as a civilian mobile suit pilot to support his remaining family. The civilian mobile suit is fitted with vernier thrusters to move in zero-G, but he has boosted its performance to let him “skate” in gravity for a short while. The Federation has grown lax in watching the remnants of Zeon, and Hugh goes unnoticed.

Some other former pilots in Side 3 joined the Zeon Revival in 0083, but Hugh has a lasting distaste for war. He knows that should he die, pensions from a Zeon group are unlikely to last, and that his loyalty must lie with his own family, not with the Zabis. After the success of Operation Stardust, the elite peacekeeping paramilitaries called the Titans lead by Jamitov Hymen and Bask Om begin to crack down on Side 3. Hugh tries to keep his head down, and jettisons most of his memories of the war, and of his comrades, into space.

When the climate control in the space colony failed, a lake near the warehouse froze over. Hugh took his mobile suit ice skating in public, causing a panic that a new war had broken out. Hugh was caught and arrested, but instead of being outed as a former Zeon pilot and purged to the prison colony Francheska, the Earth Federation Officer told him about the 0084 Mobile Suit Olympics. This was to be a new, peaceful means of competition between the colonies and Earth. Having being recruited as part of a reconciliation program between Earthnoids and Spacenoids, he went to Earth to train on the ice.

He was given a Zaku II – which he paints white, then colours with red and white sparkling paint. As the competition approaches, he is confronted by Titans spooks, who tell him that going rogue and killing Earthnoid elites will go badly for him and his family.

In the present, Hugh hops into his Zaku II, and goes to the gigantic rink. He walks past crowds who boo and jeer. Thrown paint mottles his beautiful colourscheme. But Hugh cannot be distracted. He plugs in the old mission disc from the One Year War. Hugh refuses to be intimidated by Jamitov, Bask and the Titans standing guard. His Zaku II reads the dimensions of the arena, and projects the targeting ghosts of his dead squadmates on the ice. Titans forces standing guard fly into a panic, but cannot open fire on the crowded stadium. Hugh transcends the violence that has marked Earth and the Sides, and traces out the orbits of the space colonies in one dance that brings them together. It is an amazing performance.

Two earthnoid judges refuse to grade the performance, and two spacenoids raise their cards, giving him 0 0 8 7. The stadium erupts into chaos at the decision, precipitating a riot that is brutally put down by the Titans. Hugh doesn’t resist arrest, but later refuses to fight for anti-Titan and EFF groups Karaba and the AEUG on principal. He is exiled to Siberia, and whenever possible, he tries to get on the ice to train his body to do what his mecha could do by design.