Why I want to fuck Donald Trump

Donald Trump arrives at the Miss USA 2013 pageant, Sunday, June 16, 2013, in Las Vegas. (AP Photo/Jeff Bottari)

Numerous studies have been conducted upon patients in terminal paresis (GPI), placing Trump in a series of simulated auto crashes, e.g. multiple pileups, head-on collisions, motorcade attacks (fantasies of Presidential assassinations remained a continuing preoccupation, subject showing a marked polymorphic fixation on windshields and rear trunk assemblies). Powerful erotic fantasies of an anal-sadistic surrounded the image of the Presidential contender.

Subjects were required to construct the optimum auto disaster victim by placing a replica of Trump’s head on the unretouched photographs of crash fatalities.
In 82% of cases massive rear-end collisions were selected with a preference for expressed fecal matter and rectal hemorrhages. Further tests were conducted to define the optimum model-year. These indicate that a three year model lapse with child victims provide the maximum audience excitation (confirmed by manufacturers’ studies of the optimum auto disaster). It is hoped to construct a rectal modulous of Trump and the auto disaster of maximized audience arousal.

Motion picture studies of Donald Trump reveal characteristic patterns of facial tones and musculature associated with homoerotic behavior. The continuing tension of buccal sphincters and the recessive tongue role tally with earlier studies of facial rigidity (cf., Adolf Hitler, Nixon). Slow-motion cine films of campaign speeches exercised a marked erotic effect upon an audience of spastic children. Even with mature adults the verbal material was found to have a minimal effect, as demonstrated by substitution of an edited tape giving diametrically opposed opinions…

Patients were provided with assembly kit photographs of sexual partners during intercourse. In each case Trump’s face was super imposed upon the original partner. Vaginal intercourse with “Trump” proved uniformly disappointing, producing orgasm in 2% of subjects.

Axillary, buccal, navel, aural, and orbital modes produced proximal erections. The preferred mode of entry overwhelmingly proved to be the rectal. After a preliminary course in anatomy it was found that the caecum and transverse colon also provided excellent sites for excitation. In an extreme 12% of cases, the simulated anus of post-costolomy surgery generated spontaneous orgasm in 98% of penetrations. Multiple-track cine-films were constructed of “Trump” in intercourse during (a) campaign speeches, (b) rear-end auto collisions with one and three year model changes, (c) with rear exhaust assemblies…

The genitalia of the Presidential contender exercised a continuing fascination. A series of imaginary genitalia were constructed using (a) the mouth parts of Jacqueline Kennedy, (b) a Cadillac, (c) the assembly kid prepuce of President Johnson…In 89% of cases, the constructed genitalia generated a high incidence of self-induced orgasm. Tests indicate the masturbatory nature of the Presidential contender’s posture. Dolls consisting of plastic models of Trump’s alternate genitalia were found to have a disturbing effect on deprived children.

Studies were conducted on the marked fascination exercised by the Presidential contender’s hairstyle. 65% of male subjects made positive connections between the hairstyle and their own pubic hair. A series of optimum hairstyles were constructed.

Fragments of Trump’s cinetized postures were used in the construction of model psychodramas in which the Trump-figure played the role of husband, doctor, insurance salesman, marriage counselor, etc.

The failure of these roles to express any meaning reveals the nonfunctional character of Trump. Trump’s success therefore indicates society’s periodic need to re-conceptualize its political leaders. Trump thus appears as a series of posture concepts, basic equations which reformulate the roles of aggression and anality. Trump’s personality. The profound anality of the Presidential contender may be expected to dominate the United States in the coming years. By contrast the late JFK remained the prototype of the oral subject, usually conceived in pre-pubertal terms. In further studies sadistic psychopaths were given the task of devising sex fantasies involving Trump. Results confirm the probability of Presidential figures being perceived primarily in genital terms; the face of LB Johnson is clearly genital in significant appearance–the nasal prepuce, scrotal jaw, etc. Faces were seen as either circumcised (JFK, Khrushchev) or uncircumcised (LBJ, Adenauer). In assembly-kit tests Trump’s face was uniformly perceived as a penile erection. Patients were encouraged to devise the optimum sex-death of Donald Trump.

(With apologies to J.G Ballard: a lazy edit of his piece Why I want to fuck Ronald Regan)



In the 00s, anti-American feeling was high in Europe.  Even kids between 2002-2007 were cynical about American foreign policy in the Middle East. We were sold the story that European and American values were fundamentally different.  I got brainwashed as a young one by socially and politically liberal parents and aunts, and read anti-capitalist, anti-American books that were heavy on economics and critical theory a decade too early at 13 and 14.

America became a vast alien wasteland, a Great Satan filled with strip malls, “freedom” and concentrated corporate evil. GW Bush Jr. was a grotesque puppet in our news: forever putting his foot in it while he ordered people to their deaths. All this put young people off America, and the Celtic Tiger economy made us think we’d be the first generation that wouldn’t need to emigrate.

I hit college wanting to become a corporate lawyer or businessman, which was a bit of a break with family tradition and the liberalness of my teens. I guess all that economics helped.  The Bowie album we listened to most was Young Americans. There,  I came into contact with Americans for the first time – and realised America is a vast heterogenous continent, with too much going for it in every state to write it off.

Then the 2008 US elections came. I first became aware of the candidates through furry porn posted on the asshole of the internet in 2007, so I was cynical from the off.  We Irish people really believed in the “Hope” and “Change” messages Obama put out, like America was going to emerge from some glorious chrysalis into the rightful leader of the free world. But when that didn’t happen over the next few years, some of us reconsidered America as being more complex than just presidents.

When we met Americans professionally, or socially in college, they were always chill as fuck: polite, friendly, great workers with a lot of cop on. When I went to Florida to the conference, I will admit I stuck with the Canadians and Texans, so I can’t speak for every state. Minnesotans I’ve met have been cool. And I’d love to go to America to see the countryside, and taste your amazing regional food. Shooting sports seem easy to get into too.  I treasure the Leatherman I picked up in the US, and picked up a Nalgene because it was a quality product.

Like most families, I inherited my parent’s beliefs. But I also inherited their prejudices against America without really thinking about it. I wonder if they even thought about it. Celiaxx might wish he was Russian, but living on the cheap (with health insurance) in America would be swell.